Thursday, 31 July 2008

Defeated.

On my knees. Defeated. SO defeated.

I have not the strength to push myself off the ground, and to dare to stand in the wake.

So I'll stay here on my knees. Defeated.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Evil

"I'm afraid I can't help you."
"I've got to get out of here, please."
"Then get out. I want you to get out. But I just cannot help you."

---

"Won't you come to me?"
"How can I?"
"Please, just come to me."
"..."

---

"It's just too much."
"So there's no way it can happen?"
"No. He flat out said no. He won't allow it. At all."

---

Fuck. This. Shit.

Monday, 21 July 2008

Vision

You see everything differently with your eyes closed.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Red Sparrows

Maybe I was oversensitive; maybe I did over-react. Maybe I should've stayed, but I thought it best to walk away. Your approach did not sit well with me at all; don't get me wrong, I am greatly indebted to you, but I do have limits, silly as my principled threshold may seem to you. Your justification did no favours; Where you are from does not define who you are, but what you do goes to great lengths. And your defense? Comparing me to some shit two-bit fucker; am I that low in your esteemed estimation? You lower me to a tier beneath your shoe, and I am expected to understand. I'd have tossed your goddamned shoes halfway across the goddamned planet, only to have you hit me in the face with another one. And so I suppose my face deserves to be beaten black and blue, to blend in with the dirt streaking my cheeks. Alteast my shame will over-shadow my pride for all to see.
Someday, I'll stuff myself in a spare cigarette box, and let my light snuff itself out. We're all on that path anyways, treading day by day, optionally oblivious to the moment we trip into our final stupor, the day we will cower in blind fear, without even ourselves to light us. My light may be gone, but every ounce of pain, anguish and grief I have ever caused, with or without reason, will fade. An ideological man such I should be swept away for good. I may mean nothing but the best, but my delivery is severely lacking, and so it may as well appear for naught. A caterpillar cocoons itself in its ugliness, only to emerge as a soft-winged, astounding butterfly. Where do we go when we are hideous? There's only so many places we can hide ourselves. We only always leave uglier than that last instance. All this material presentation wilts in the face of what we wrought into and of ourselves. I wish I was destined for a life of obscurity, a withering wick instead of a bright spark. Maybe then I'd find peace, before and within my last moments. Everything I have found beautiful and worthwhile, every pursuit of enlightenment neglected for some solace, some silent harmony. No illuminatory misconceptions.
I speak of simplicity, and yet my penchant for complication has dragged me this far in a rambling tirade to a conclusion most desirable, yet most untenable. Life is a thankless, unappreciable swagger, and we're all stuck in a cycle, yesterday's dirty laundry tossed in with God's favourite detergent, Time.
Isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing?
And how safe it is to feel safe...
So drown me if you can, or maybe we could just have conversation...
It seems we thrive on day-old hate. Mine doesn't last beyond an hour, before it is turned inwards, into some force consuming my conscience, my will, my life, my soul. May some force snap me in half, as a gregarious child would a KitKat bar in public, and just as those chocolate wafers fly through the air in those dramatic advertisements, I wish a crimson arc to splatter against white walls, in one last vain hope of feigning significance, of something absolutely worthless to remember my by. With everything inside me smeared plain for all to see, maybe I'll be granted redemption, and be allowed to slip through time's greedy fingers to finally be lost to these conquests that are ultimately as worthless as every second I've just spent putting pen to paper.
Forgive me for all I've done, am doing, and unfortunately will do. Whether you believe in God or not, I wish he sees the brilliance in all of you I so disgracefully discard, and gives you the grace of his protection, and fully satisfyingly full life. I should stop now. Enough Aimless rambling.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Debauch

In this world of red wine, fake cigarettes, and music, there is something from within that resides outside these parameters. In a distant land, there is a silhouette that turns with the light. A silhouette I recognize without having seen it before. It harmoniously moves with the melody inside me, applying rouge, orange lipstick, and blue eyeliner. From this shapeless darkness, it casts out a rainbow, spanning universes, defying all obstacles, marking my path back home. All the colours that exist engulf me, casting me in a limelight tinged all of God's unworldly splendour, and the shadow settles as a comfy blanket. I think I see the blink of an eye, but I see the world shift to place me at its heart of hearts. Hale and hearty laughter emanates from the good times that might someday be forgotten, but the humming chorus is my marching beat, and off it sets me, traversing nebulae, meeting strangers in a strange place called life. And so I go over this kaleidoscopic arch, marching onwards to the shape that cannot escape me, even without a prison to cage it. And I know, in my heart of hearts, that this shapeless silhouette waits with open arms, a loving smile, and a touch of crimson, flowing to me, drawing me in from whence it came. With all the intricacy of delicate jazz, formless fingers push my shoulders back, so I may walk straight, head held up high.

So that, when I am finally home, this silhouette will hold me, love me, caress me, and complete my world. In this world of red wine, fake cigarettes, and music, I will find my peace and unity in those shapeless arms I might never have seen before, those arms that will carry me when I cripple, into the heart where everything is in its right place.
Won't you please arrange it, 'cos I love you... Just the way you look tonight.

Friday, 4 July 2008

Khudi.

Impatiently Optimistic. Masochistically sadistic. Deceptively Honest. Miserably happy. Passionately languid. Blissfully chaotic. Gladly depressed.

Lovingly hateful. Welcome to me.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

This Ain't A Surfin' Movie.

She sang a short tune,
da... da daa da daa daaa...
And I came from her soft touch
And slept.

I hope...the weather holds.
But you don't need the sun to make you shine.
I know we won't want for much.
Just you, me, a bed, and a shoreline.

Such a california song. Bunch of Goddamn Washington Wannabes.

<3
Just another piece of meat.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Routine.

We're running in chocolate circles.

My head hurts. Sometimes does, sometimes doesn't. But it does now. Nothing makes it go away, so I'll just clench my teeth, think about more chocolate circles, and ignore the pain.

My head hurts.